4 weeks

My sweet little Isabelle you would be 4 weeks old today Thursdays are hard because that is the day that you were born so it really gets me thinking about life without you. Last Saturday we got three ducklings on for each of my kids. Ebon is taking very good care of them, he takes them outside every day and he makes sure that they have food and water. Aliah likes to look at them but she doesn't like to hold them. I feel like most days I don't do anything the house is always a mess, I feel like I am moving in slow motion and the world is passing me by. I miss you so much I feel so empty I just want to hold you so bad. I wonder what things you would be doing now, would you be sleeping through the night or still waking up in the night so you could nurse and we could have some quiet time together. I love you so much my little angel you will always be in my heart.

Three weeks old

My little Isabelle yesterday you would have been three weeks old. I thought that I was doing ok until we went to walmart, I saw a guy holding is little baby that was about two months old the tears came and all I could think is how bad I wanted to be holding you. At least I was almost done shoping I just wanted to be by myself and cry I felt like I could not get out of there fast enough. Ebon and Aliah were being terrible when we were checking out and the checker was so onry with us I wanted to tell her to just forget it so we could get out of there. Once we got into the car I just cried Ebon kept saying don't be sad mommy it's ok. I feel like you are so close to your brother and sister they say little things about you all the time I love it. I love you so much my little angel my arms will always feel empty without you, you will always be in my heart.

My sweet little Isabelle I miss you so much. Every day Ebon and Aliah talk about you, I know that they don't completely understand what happened to you but I encourage them to talk about you. It is spring, a time of new life, warm weather, and gardening. That is why at your viewing I gave thank you gifts with forget me not flower seeds, when people watch their flowers grow they will think of you. I have had an increased drive for gardening this year it has helped me through this tough time. I love you so much Isabelle I am thankful for the time that we had together, though I wish that I was still holding you in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night with you, hearing you cry, and listening to the little noises you would make. It is silly that the thing that I want the most is to hear you cry. I guess the reason for this is when I hear a baby cry I want to comfort them, I feel that I was not able to comfort you, I was not able to protect you and keep you safe, when the cord was cut I stopped giving you what you needed and your little body was not strong enough to keep going. I am so sorry for this Isabelle, I do love you and some day I will see you again.

A friend from work told me that his wife set up a blog for their baby when he passed away, I thought that was such a good idea to keep his memory alive with pictures, videos, and thoughts.