Happy three month birthday my sweet little girl. I am missing you so much. I went back to work a month ago and almost every day there is a reminder that I didn't get to go home with my little angel, that I will never hold you again, that I will never see your eyes, or hear you cry. The logical part of me knows that you would not have had a good life and that you wouldn't see your beautiful brother and sister would never know how wonderful a flower could smell. I would never want you to be unhappy or in any pain. The logical part of me understands why you are not here with me celebrating your three month birthday.

The emotional part of me wants you here and healthy and doing the things that a three month old should be doing. This part of me finds hate and jealousy every time I see a pregnant woman or a newborn. Why the hell is it I had a baby that died and some stupid teenager or some woman living on welfare gets to have their baby gets to take that baby home and take for granted the wonderful gift they have in their arms.

Now I am literally going nuts, seeing people that aren't there and talking to them, I feel like my head is spinning in very slow motion, and it doesn't matter how much or how little amount of sleep I get I always feel the same. I can't function, I can't think, and I can't say what I am trying to say so I have resorted to saying nothing unless it is small talk.

We placed your headstone almost two weeks ago on July 18th. It turned out beautiful. We put a spot for the pinwheels that Kim got you and two spots for flowers and put Ebon and Aliah's hand prints in the concrete.

I love you so much my little angel I hope that you are smiling up there in heaven please wait for me and know that you are always in my heart and always on my mind.

June 2

Isabelle I have been thinking of you so much today. We bought some trees for the yard, while we were there I saw a little statue of a little baby in angel wings at first I wanted to get is so bad but the more that I looked at it the less I liked it because it looked nothing like you. I would love to have an angel in my garden that looked like you I feel close to you when I am out there. In a week we will get the results to find out what happened to you. I miss you so much and I wish that I could turn back time and changed what happened. I wanted to take you home so bad. I hope that some day when I see you in heaven you will still be that sweet little newborn and I will be able to hold you in my arms forever, and kiss your soft little cheeks, and look into your beautiful eyes. I usually try not to dwell on the what might have been. I understand that there is a reason that this happened and I hope that it was not something that I could have prevented. I am just fearful that I did this to you things were worse every appointment. I hope that you know that I do love you so much and tried to make it better but it didn't matter what we did the outcome constantly changing for the worst. I love you so much my sweet little angel and my heart has fallen to pieces, and I really do miss you, every part of you.

4 weeks

My sweet little Isabelle you would be 4 weeks old today Thursdays are hard because that is the day that you were born so it really gets me thinking about life without you. Last Saturday we got three ducklings on for each of my kids. Ebon is taking very good care of them, he takes them outside every day and he makes sure that they have food and water. Aliah likes to look at them but she doesn't like to hold them. I feel like most days I don't do anything the house is always a mess, I feel like I am moving in slow motion and the world is passing me by. I miss you so much I feel so empty I just want to hold you so bad. I wonder what things you would be doing now, would you be sleeping through the night or still waking up in the night so you could nurse and we could have some quiet time together. I love you so much my little angel you will always be in my heart.

Three weeks old

My little Isabelle yesterday you would have been three weeks old. I thought that I was doing ok until we went to walmart, I saw a guy holding is little baby that was about two months old the tears came and all I could think is how bad I wanted to be holding you. At least I was almost done shoping I just wanted to be by myself and cry I felt like I could not get out of there fast enough. Ebon and Aliah were being terrible when we were checking out and the checker was so onry with us I wanted to tell her to just forget it so we could get out of there. Once we got into the car I just cried Ebon kept saying don't be sad mommy it's ok. I feel like you are so close to your brother and sister they say little things about you all the time I love it. I love you so much my little angel my arms will always feel empty without you, you will always be in my heart.

My sweet little Isabelle I miss you so much. Every day Ebon and Aliah talk about you, I know that they don't completely understand what happened to you but I encourage them to talk about you. It is spring, a time of new life, warm weather, and gardening. That is why at your viewing I gave thank you gifts with forget me not flower seeds, when people watch their flowers grow they will think of you. I have had an increased drive for gardening this year it has helped me through this tough time. I love you so much Isabelle I am thankful for the time that we had together, though I wish that I was still holding you in my arms, getting up in the middle of the night with you, hearing you cry, and listening to the little noises you would make. It is silly that the thing that I want the most is to hear you cry. I guess the reason for this is when I hear a baby cry I want to comfort them, I feel that I was not able to comfort you, I was not able to protect you and keep you safe, when the cord was cut I stopped giving you what you needed and your little body was not strong enough to keep going. I am so sorry for this Isabelle, I do love you and some day I will see you again.

A friend from work told me that his wife set up a blog for their baby when he passed away, I thought that was such a good idea to keep his memory alive with pictures, videos, and thoughts.